{Written August 15, 2012}
This has been a lovely afternoon of deep thought contemplations, day dreaming, and cloud watching. Maybe some soul searching. It came out of nowhere, and wasn't really leading anywhere, but I enjoyed it. Hope you can too.
---and it begins.
As I grow older and find more and more things to get involved in, I am forced to stop and make priorities. Not only for activities, jobs, or whether to do the laundry or dishes first. :p I know I only have so much space in my closet for shoes and dresses and shirts and pants. Only so many shelves in my refridgerator so I don't overstock by buying 5 gallons of milk at once- for two people? Or try cramming 3 tubs of scrapbooking items into one desk drawer. I know my limitations, so I stop where they do.. or try to leave a little extra.
What about when it comes to mental storage though? Sure, my brain can hold a LOT of things at once, and considering I have fairly good memory, I bet there's a lot I could pack there too, not to mention we only use a small portion of our brains anyway. But strange as it is, even young'ns like me have to pace themselves, and not pile more on their plate than they have size for. You know the saying, in regard to eating, 'your eyes were bigger than your stomach'? The same is also true for what I try to fill my mind and heart with.
So here's my endeavor for today {and probably the rest of my life}: Focus on the things most important. Right now, that is my relationship with God, my husband, my home. After that, I can choose relatives, friends, work, recreational activities, parties, trips, and so on. But.. I've missed something. One, small thing, that is so often overlooked, and a lot of people don't even realize it's missing. That is yourself. Myself. My own, personal life, that I have to organize and make peace within my soul. Because you know what? Try as you might to love your special someone, or make your home a haven of rest, or make delicious food or work well at that job, or raise the kids or study your heart out... none of that will matter if you don't have a comfortable, peaceful place deep within your own soul, that you know who you are, you know what matters, and you can go to that place when everything else might be in turmoil.
I haven't found this place yet. I catch glimpses of it, from time to time.. but I never am able to put myself there, and will myself to stay.
Here is what I must tell myself: it does not matter who you had a disagreement with, it does not matter what it was about. It does not matter that so-and-so is going off to start their college career, it does not matter that another so-and-so has a great job doing _____. It does not matter that a certain couple is doing _____ with their life, or that your friend so-and-so is going to go to _____. It doesn't matter that half of your dreams are yet to be accomplished, it doesn't matter that there are dust bunnies on the floor and burned cookies on the counter {they're not. the cookies are gooey and good}. It doesn't matter that you've less books than you would have like this year, it doesn't matter that your friends are doing fun things without you or that another friend is single and lonely and you need to console him. it doesn't matter if the world outside is falling apart, if the people are terribly evil or selfish or mean. It doesn't matter if the skies or gray or if they are blue, if the grass hasn't seen rain or if the gardens are flourishing.
"So then.. what does matter?" I quietly ask myself. "It matters that you understand this." comes the reply."That you understand these things do not matter.. and they are not worth your tears, nor your anger, nor your passion. They all have thier place, but not in the making of YOU. You may be alive, and physically matured, you may even have an education under your belt, a great job, and many people who trust and respect you. But if inwardly you do not know who you are, and you only relate to yourself through these terms- these circumstances and these activities; you do not truly understand who you are."
"I... I don't understand. That's the problem."
"Ah. One who acknowledges her young state of understanding. This is good. But tell me.. do you seek to understand?"
"Yes! I mean.. yes.. I do."
"Okay then. But you must keep in mind, always, when you are about to doubt your meaning, rememberthese things do not matter. By elimination, you will learn the true answer."
"Well... I've learned that.. things out there- the people, their lives, what they worry about.. that's not mine to worry about." A slight pause. "I also know that things in my life.. the things I participate in.. even though they are connected to me.. they do not make me.. ME." I look up with a questioning glance. She nods, waiting for me to go on. "Even my physical condition.. my health.. even that, is not me." Another pause, as if searching her soul for answers. "The books that have given me knowledge, that have taught me what I know, and make me what I am today.. those.. they hold no grasp on WHO I AM. Even the closest of things, the things I am with, and see, and experience, every single waking minute of my life.. yet.. those are not me."
My mentor is nodding. "Yes. Good, you have grasped elimination. Now, what is left? What actually matters? Who are you?"
I look out the window, past the curtains, above the trees, and into the deep blue sky. White clouds gently float past. They've always been there. Always. But just now, I really seem to notice them. They are simple, plain; blue and white. Yet full of mystery, and I feel longing tug at my heart.
"You are searching for answers," my mentor interupts my thoughts.
"Yes.. there is simplicity, yet richness, in the sky. I wonder, am I like them? Could I be.. if I looked hard enough?
My mentor, the faraway look in her eyes becomes a smile. "Yes. Yes you can. Only.. you needn't look so very hard."
"Well..." I say, after a deep breath, "they are constant. Never changing.. they seem to be okay with themselves." I let off a small smile. "I guess they like being simple. They know what they are, they're content being there. You don't see them fretting about the sun doing it's the or the stars there.. or even the clouds. But.. I guess they can't really define me, though, can they?"
"You are getting closer. By eliminating some things, and drawing similarities to others -you're making progress. Now, what else can you tell me?
"Simplicity is better.. Have a few things, but be strong in them. And don't let other things try to come in and take over- because they will."
"Yes. Try that, and then come back and we'll talk."
"Wait!"
"Yes?"
"What if I start thinking about those other things? You know.. they're always present! Just because I'm trying to ignore them- " She cuts me off. "No, you don't ignore them. You recognize them for what they are and put them in their rightful place. And that is -not- in your heart. See what you can do with this, and I'll come visit tomorrow. Sound good?"
"Sounds good." And I give her a big smile.
